All by Jon Dawson
At least once a month I hook up all of the family phones to a laptop and extract the photos. I seem to be alone in this, as most people store their photos in some magical cloud that Steve Jobs tethered to the Apple corporate headquarters in Cupertino, CA. By the way, has anyone else noticed the weather started to get crazy around the time the Apple iCloud was introduced in 2011? Mother Nature doesn't seem to be fond of selfies.
Correai's issue was down to tissue. He and his bride live in Apex, which is the Latin word for "no toilet paper". They weren't in emergency status yet, but after a week of trying to shore up their supply came up short, I was asked if I could find any in Kinston. Since Correai is a Level 3/Pop-Tart/shovel friend, I jumped at the chance to help.
Last Tuesday I walked in the door and the first thing I hear is "I don't think anything is broken".
At this point, even the nuttiest cashew in the jar would have immediately given up their quest for a Varsity hot dog, no matter how great Lewis Grizzard made them sound. But not Earl.
On Saturday I received a letter that had the potential to change the course of my life, the lives of my loved ones, and the lives of those freeloading, barnacle-like friends of mine who are always asking me to cosign for them.
I approached Today Show weatherman Al Roker at an outdoor taping and asked if it was true that he owned stock in Sunbeam bread and Maola milk. Within seconds, Al's security team escorted me to the NBC gift shop. I was coerced into signing a non-disclosure agreement and given a free "juice" flask bearing the likeness of Kathie Lee and Hoda.
I was drawn into Tar Heel basketball at an early age through the Voice of the Tar Heels Woody Durham. As many of you may know, Durham could make drying paint sound compelling. I'm also a fan of his successor Jones Angell, who along with his partner Eric Montross has made even this abysmal season nearly digestible.
TD#1 has been harping on the pet duck thing for about a year now. We have a beautiful dog named Lucille that is quite loving to people and joyously homicidal to any series of critters she discovers invading our yard. I'm not sure what function the duck would serve that Lucille isn't already serving, as she loves the water and after eating too quickly is known to quack like a Gatling gun for several minutes.
At night when everyone has stopped scurrying around, Lucille and I love to go for a walk. She periodically gets distracted and proceeds to dig up several acres of farmland in pursuit of some varmint. She chases birds and rabbits day and night - and occasionally catches them. I can't tell you how many crime scenes our sweet dog has generated.
If you like your steak so undercooked you can ride it from the grill to the table, that's your business. Every six weeks there's some new bacteria that can eat through iron ore like cotton candy, so stopping short of marinating my food in Purell, I'll be taking every precaution.
What do Cary Grant, Kevin Costner, and I have in common? More than you might think.
Aside from being cursed with rugged good looks, we were all born on Jan. 18.
We were watching Jeopardy (I refuse to add the exclamation point), and there was a question about scissors. This prompted The Wife to look up the history of scissors on her phone, which for some reason annoyed our 15-year-old daughter to no end.
"I can't say anything without starting an investigation!" she said
Burroughs has won the Lenoir County Demolition Derby a record 17 times, four of which were without the use of a vehicle.
Most adults I know are busier than a rented mule, so it was a revelation to feel the ol' brain untense. By the time I get back to work I'm sure I will have forgotten every computer password and quite possibly my own name, but it will have been worth it.
A flight attendant assured me it was just "pockets of air" that were causing the trouble. I told him I was worried the "pockets of air" might cause the plane to "hurdle to the ground". No one likes a whiner, but what kind of airline chooses The Buddy Holly Story as the Inflight movie?
